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One’s ultimate goal can be determined by observing his relations and interactions with others. The casual observer may miss the ultimate goal, but the intellectually honest and careful observer will be able to determine quite accurately his own ultimate goal and that of each person with whom he has continuous or substantial contact.
The person living to benefit others will have a genuine concern for others, not just a desire to help them. He will be willing to help the less fortunate without recognition. In other words, he will not be calling attention to the deeds he has done or is doing. He will be careful to avoid being an obstacle to someone else’s correct living. He will make an effort to be consistent in his actions and speech. He will forego an activity he might undertake if the activity appears to encourage self-gratification.
One living to benefit others will be seeking ways to most effectively and efficiently serve others. He will be willing to warn and protect others even at his own expense. He would seek power to benefit others and not for himself.
The person living for self-gratification will be concerned with using others for his own purposes. He will attempt to manipulate others to gain his own desires. Words become tools of manipulation rather than tools for communication. Because individuals usually desire the approval of others, they will act in the manner they perceive will best gain that approval. The self-gratifier may promote fund raising, not for the cause, but to appear benevolent to gain the approval or confidence of others. One may join a service club, not to serve, but to cultivate acquaintances to benefit his business. He may even join a church in an attempt to escape hell. One who lives for self will only “help” someone else if it will bring a reward to self, even if the reward is only a good feeling. Further, he will pursue power to gratify his own desire for power or prestige, but not actually to serve others. Of course, one may desire to serve others and will become involved in various projects in an attempt to fulfill that desire.
One who lives for the benefit of others lives for his family and is loyal to his friends. He does not demand that his family serve him. For example, when he comes home from work, tired and wanting to relax, he looks for ways to serve his family and is genuinely interested in their needs. There may be some instances that he best serves his family by resting. One who lives for self-gratification expects his family and friends to serve him. He changes friends ~ and even wives ~ when they no longer fit into his plans. He is loyal to himself and no one else.
One living for others will be kind to his opposition even though he may have to hold them accountable for their actions. One in authority does not have to exhibit anger or even be angry when disciplining those under his authority. When living for others, one realizes this opposition comprises part of the “others” for whom he is living. Although he does not agree with them, he will seek to understand them. He will honestly examine their positions, willing to change his own if he is incorrect. He will respect others’ opinions and will determine the basis of those opinions. This does not mean he will give into them if they are wrong.
One living for himself hates opposition. He dislikes anyone interfering with his own self-gratification. He may hide his hatred because of his desire to have the approval of others. Sooner or later, the pot will boil over ~ his anger will flow forth in an angry tirade, possibly over an insignificant matter. This anger may be directed at someone he perceives should be serving him. The self-gratifier will be intolerant of the opinions of those persons he does not think he needs (even God’s opinions). He will only “respect” another’s opinion if he perceives there is an advantage to him resulting from “respecting” it. He is usually not a very good listener unless he believes it is to his own benefit to listen. To an honest observer he will appear at best an inconsistent listener, listening intently to one person and not at all to the next. His consistency is actually his self purpose.
Political discussions will bring to the surface strong indications of one’s ultimate goal. Observe whether one listens to others’ opinions and whether they are tolerant and understanding, although they disagree with what is expressed. Watch for arguments based on feelings rather than on reason. The self-gratifier will attempt to dominate or escape, while the benevolent will seek to educate and be educated.
One living for others is able to accept criticism graciously because he is not seeking to maintain a self-serving self-image. He does not react to criticism based on feelings, even though the criticism may feel uncomfortable. He determines for the benefit of others, whether there is any truth in the criticism. If there is, he is willing to change, again for the benefit of others. Because he is not maintaining a false, self-serving self-image he can admit mistakes and accept properly placed blame. This enhances his problem solving ability. If his mistake has injured others, he does his best to correct the situation.
One living for self will hate criticism because it interferes with his self-image. He must maintain an inflated self-image in order to justify living for self and expecting others to serve him. Criticism attacks this self-image so he uses any psychological defense necessary to avoid accepting it. He may react to the criticism bitterly as a means of defending his perceived trampled feelings. For the same reason, the self-gratifier rarely admits a mistake. He blames anyone but himself for his problems He does this because to admit a mistake would severely damage his self-image. This explains why clear evidence of a mistake is so shattering to the self-gratifier. He has convinced himself that he is something that he is not, and he cannot understand how he could make “such a mistake.” This attitude also compounds problems rather than solving them. Many organizations run aground when those governing refuse to admit their mistakes, but rather try to hide them or blame someone else.
One living for others will find the courage to inform others of their accountability. He learns how to do this gently and with reason. This minimizes the expression of feelings, while maximizing the opportunity for others to make right decisions.
One living to gratify self seeks to eliminate accountability. He rebels against authority either blatantly or subtly, whenever he thinks he will benefit and the consequences are not too great. He promotes beliefs and theories that attempt to eliminate any accountability on his part for carrying out his own desires. His attempt to eliminate accountability is not to benefit others, but rather to free himself from his own accountability in order to avoid responsibility. The more others accept the proposition they can have “freedom” from accountability, the less likely they will be to hold the promoters of that freedom accountable. One’s desire to be free from accountability further clouds perceptions in this area. If a self-gratifier is given authority over an educational system (and they have), albeit a school or a school district, the system itself promotes rebellion among teachers and students as the authority seeks to eliminate accountability for wrong decisions instead of teaching how to make right decisions. The system will become less and less manageable and more and more disruptive. This will increase the cost of the system because disorder is always more costly than order. Eventually, such a system will collapse from within unless held together by some type of force. If the authority behind the force is educated in the same system, it, too, will collapse from within.
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