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A person’s ultimate goal is revealed in his character. He exhibits either the characteristics of a self-gratifier or the characteristics of one living for the benefit of others. These characteristics grow more and more consistent the longer the person maintains his ultimate goal. A person living for himself may have a desire to live for others or may desire to appear to be living for such a purpose in order to gain something for himself. However, since he has not made a decision to live for the benefit of others, his actions over time will be inconsistent with such a goal and will bear out those characteristics consistent with self-gratification.
Examine the following characteristics and behavior and add your reasons as to why they fit one goal or the other. Keep in mind that when one makes a conscious decision to change goals, it will be some time before the characteristics of the former goal are outweighed by those of the new goal. In observing your own behavior and that of others, determine which characteristics are increasing and which are decreasing. This observation will provide solid evidence of the actual adopted goal.
A person living for the good of others is just in his decisions. He sets aside his self-interest in the outcome of each decision in order to make the decision that is beneficial to all concerned. He understands the importance of each person receiving the consequences of his or her decisions regardless of how he may feel about a situation. He does not make a decision based on his feelings, but upon the facts and circumstances applicable to each decision. At the same time, he will be merciful without violating justice. He seeks to relieve others of their sufferings when it is consistent with justice However, in the interest of others’ security and for the sake of orderliness, he does not allow his feelings of mercy or compassion to interfere with his reason. He realizes that one will not understand and appreciate mercy, or the granting of relief from the consequences of one’s actions, unless he first recognizes and acknowledges his own accountability for the consequences he is receiving. Justice results when every decision receives the result it deserves. One living for others will not grant relief from consequences (unless the consequences are immediately life threatening) until the prospective recipient understands what he deserves, why he deserves it, and makes a decision not to continue the action which produces the consequences.
One living for himself is not just, although he may try to appear so, for he is always interested in the outcome of a decision and how it affects him personally, whether directly or indirectly. He uses evidence and circumstances to justify his feelings or desires rather than to determine the accuracy of his decision. He determines what he wants to do and then attempts to accept only the facts that support his desires. If he determines the outcome of a decision is not important to him personally, then his desire to appear just may prevail. If his desire to be merciful or compassionate prevails, he attempts to be merciful. This attempt to be merciful is nothing more than simply gratifying a desire. He tries to relieve another of his suffering, not because the other is suffering, but because the suffering made him feel bad, compassionate or sympathetic. This explains why many appeals for funds are based upon feelings, e.g. picture of suffering to evoke feelings of compassion. The self-gratifier allows his feelings to interfere with justice and reason. He refuses to understand that attempted mercy without justice is not mercy at all, but accommodation. He does not wait to determine whether the recipient of the suffering has learned from his wrong decision. He will simply try to relieve him of the consequences. This leads to disorder, because the person who was relieved will begin to expect ~ even demand ~ that others relieve him from the consequences of wrong decisions. He seldom realizes that he must change his own decisions or he, as well as others, will continue to suffer.
Instead of being just, the one living for self is judgmental if he feels that someone has violated his sense of right and wrong. This may result in a conflict with his feelings of compassion. The strongest feeling then governs that person’s decision. When judgmental, the self-gratifier criticizes and condemns. He offers no constructive help. He does not attempt to help the other person learn from the consequences of wrong decisions; he just condemns the decisions. This leads to resentment and a breakdown in communication. These feelings can become distorted so that compassion is directed toward the criminal and resentment toward the government that is attempting to maintain order.
One who is living to benefit others respects and obeys authority, realizing this promotes orderliness and that orderliness depends on such respect. He accepts just laws and rules even though they restrict him personally. If, after careful study, he determines a law or a rule to be unjust, he will appeal to the proper authority rather than rebel through disobedience. Again, this type of behavior promotes orderliness, while disobedience and rebellion promote disorder. Orderliness is necessary for security and enhances unity. Disorder increases insecurity and division. If the person with the goal of living for others, however, is “required” by his authority to take action he can prove incorrect, for the good of all, he will not compromise regardless of the cost to himself.
A person living for self-gratification only obeys authority when he thinks he will personally benefit or the consequences of his disobedience are greater than he desires to chance. He breaks rules with impunity if he does not discern any consequences to himself. He attempts to ignore apparent consequences from the activities he desires to do. This leads to his own personal lawlessness and lack of self-control. His example encourages others to disrespect and disobey authority, resulting in further lawlessness. His violation of laws and rules for his own self-gratification, if followed by others, leads to a breakdown in order. The resulting disorder, unless corrected, causes the destruction of whatever institution is involved or leads to laws and rules more oppressive than those originally violated. As one can clearly understand, the greater the segment of any society living for self-gratification, the quicker the society is disrupted and destroyed to be eventually governed by repression.
One living for others has an uncompromised intellect because his intellect has not become a tool of self-gratification. He is intellectually honest. Honesty requires the willingness to seek the truth in all decisions and the willingness to submit to it when clearly found. One living for others seeks the truth in each decision in order to benefit all concerned. He realizes that truth is the only basis upon which he can truly benefit others. His intellect, when uncompromised by his own desires, is able to weigh decisions and evidence to determine
consistencies and inconsistencies prior to making a decision.
This uncompromised intellect enhances one’s ability to accurately evaluate facts and experiences in light of known truth. The importance of an accurate evaluation is clearly seen as necessary in making decisions that benefit all others. The importance of learning becomes clear. The importance of reading and accurately communicating is revealed. One living for others makes the decision to study and learn for the benefit of others. He realizes he can best help others through accurate study and learning. In the education area, this increases the student’s “teachability”. Once a child has made the decision to learn, an unprepared teacher may find it difficult to keep up with him.
One who lives for self-gratification has a subdued intellect. His intellect is a slave to his desires. Instead of using his intellect to discover truth and abide by it, he uses his intellect to justify his desires. He tries to “figure out” how to gratify his desires rather than determining the correct course of action. He will avoid evidence that refutes his desires. His evaluation of facts and experiences is intentionally biased in order to attempt to fulfill his desires. He refuses to listen to others who disagree with his wants and desires. He will even commit intellectual suicide, if necessary, to carry out his own gratification. That is, he refuses to think about a decision for fear that he will find reasons for not doing what he wants.
One living for self resists the truth and accepts, without thorough examination, beliefs ? no matter how absurd ? that will further his desires. He is amenable to relativism, the belief that there are no absolutes. That is, he is willing to compromise his intellect to the point of believing there are absolutely no absolutes. He will abandon antithesis thinking and never be sure of anything. A subdued and compromised intellect then adds to the person’s confusion.
The self-gratifier is not motivated to study and learn unless it furthers his desires. His study habits become inconsistent if his desires fluctuate. If he does not feel like studying, he must have a stronger feeling for the results of his studying ~ or for the consequences of not studying ~ or he will not study. Also, if he does not see a relationship between learning and his self-gratification, he will decide not to learn.
A person living for others is patient. Because he is living for others, he seeks to understand the actions of others. He waits for them to have the opportunity to understand concepts before holding them accountable for that understanding. He leads others by example instead of trying to push them. He reviews his own communication methods without first assuming the fault lies elsewhere. His patience is not a form of appeasing the self-gratification of others. When others have had the opportunity to learn, he holds them accountable for what they should have learned.
One who seeks his self-gratification is impatient with those who are not helping him achieve his own goals. He may not always show this impatience because he has a desire for approval, or perhaps, a desire to view himself as a patient, understanding person. He knows, however, that he is only willing to listen to others if it is required to avoid undesired results. He does not try to understand another’s position before trying to change it. He is short with others with whom he is speaking unless he thinks he will benefit by appearing to be understanding. He only attempts to be patient or appear patient with those from whom he may gain something.
Consistency is another characteristic of the person who has decided to live for the benefit of others. His life becomes more stable over time. This stability is not to be confused with the drudgery of living one’s life in a rut. This consistency results from decisions being made upon well reasoned absolute standards. As these standards are developed, refined and applied in one’s life, clear priorities are forthcoming. These priorities are the foundation for many decisions. Since these standards are based upon truth and reason and not on changing desires, one’s decisions and the results of the decisions will demonstrate a consistent and stable life.
When viewed over time, the life of the self-gratifier is a jumble of inconsistencies, unless there is one strong governing desire. Even the strongest of desires has a way of growing weaker to ultimately be replaced by another strong desire, often to the shock and dismay of the person or the family and friends of the person who had built his life upon that one compelling desire. We have all heard of the “upstanding” citizen running off with his secretary. However, when there is not one primary desire, one’s life becomes a series of decisions based on inconsistent and conflicting desires. The results and consequences of these decisions cause other desires upon which to base more decisions. In some instances, one desire may govern until there is pressure to make a contrary decision. The pressure lowers the governing desires priority giving rise to other desires. It is often under pressure that people living for themselves most clearly see their inconsistencies.
These inconsistencies are often seen in moodiness ~ that change of attitude from one extreme to another. This occurs because the self-gratifier is excited about the expectations of being gratified, and if the expectation is not realized or is delayed, the excitement dissipates and the resulting bad feelings sour one’s mood. One’s outward actions then correspond to these moods, causing others to lose confidence in the moody person due to his apparent inconsistencies.
Further, one living for self changes his standards as his desires change. When his standards no longer match his desires, he finds it convenient to change his standards. This change of standards also results in instability.
One who is living for the benefit of others is manifestly trustworthy. His purpose in life is to benefit others. Therefore, if he has been entrusted with the life or property of another, he does his utmost to protect and maintain that life or property. A parent who has made the decision to live for the benefit of others makes the best decisions he can to protect his family regardless of the cost to himself. Others will come to realize the trustworthiness of the one living for them, thereby enhancing their security. This increases family security. On a wider scale, it increases the neighborhood’s and community’s security. The more reasonable the trust, the more security accrues to family, neighborhood and community.
One who lives for the fulfillment of his wants and desires is never completely trustworthy. His occupation or position may depend upon an appearance of trustworthiness, and not wanting to lose his position, he attempts to appear trustworthy. He, however, always weighs each decision to see how he may benefit from those who have entrusted their lives or property to him. His desire to benefit himself will eventually cloud his decision making. This is because he does not actually care for these peoples’ lives or property for their benefit, but that he may profit from the relationship. Whenever he views it to his benefit to take advantage of others’ trust, he does so if he thinks he can avoid the consequences.
One who is living for the benefit of others is a humble individual. This does not mean he does not act confidently or is weak. True humility is recognizing and admitting who and what we are to ourselves and to others. It is an accurate ~ not inflated or deflated ~ appraisal of abilities and talents as well as weaknesses. One living for others knows it is necessary to accurately understand who and what he really is in order to make correct decisions for others. He realizes that he had better know his strengths and weaknesses to avoid mistakes that would hurt others. He is also willing to help others make accurate decisions about him.
One who is living for himself and his own desires is prideful. This pride is not the boastful, arrogant type, although it may be manifested in such behavior, rather it is hiding who and what one is from himself and others. A self-gratifier must maintain a high self-image regardless of the truth, so that he may justify living for self. One living for self must believe, though not always admit, that he is better than others and they exist to serve him. He may choose to fool others by acting down or injured just to play on their emotions. Again, this is a result of his view that others are to serve him. One hides his true self from others in hope of gaining from them. He hopes to gain their approval or material benefits for himself. Pride, in reality, is a form of deceit. It is a way of presenting self to one’s self and to others in an inaccurate light to benefit self.
When one is prideful, his decisions are based on his inaccurate self-image. Since his self-image is inconsistent with reality, the decisions produce results that are inconsistent with the self-image because the results will be consistent with reality. This often leads to frustration and additional attempts to bolster self-image. The consequences then increase, and, unless the cycle is broken, the self-image will be distorted to the point of absurdity. Reality will not allow the continuous maintenance of this self-image, regardless of the efforts of the individual (or his psychologist) and the result is despair.
The person who is living for the benefit of others is gentle. This does not mean he is not firm, nor does it mean he does not hold others accountable for their actions when he has the authority to do so. Do not confuse gentleness with passiveness. The gentleness of the one living for others produces a peaceful and soothing manner and is devoid of emotional excitement or anger. The person living for others realizes that gentleness is necessary to prevent another’s emotions from interfering with his reason. He is gentle to enhance communication for others. He does whatever is necessary to gain true gentleness in his life. Gentleness adds great strength to its possessor for the benefit of others.
On the other hand, the person living for self does not attempt to be gentle, unless, of course, he views this as means of advancing himself. Pressure, however, usually unmasks those who attempt to practice gentleness for their own benefit. A person who seeks his own fulfillment may push and strive to attain it. He may have an aggressive ~ sometimes abrasive ~ manner. This only happens when he perceives he has the authority or right to maintain this mannerism, i.e., when he thinks he can get away with it without unwanted consequences. This tendency is often restrained by the desire not to receive the consequences of disapproval.
One who is living for others learns how to be calm under pressure. He is level headed. He realizes the necessity of remaining calm for others regardless of how hectic the circumstances. He does not seek to escape from pressure, but he does what is necessary to learn how to overcome it. One living for others is someone others can turn to for help in stressful situations. He is not caught up in the excitement of the moment. He learns how to overcome anxiety and the inner turmoil that distorts and reduces the ability to reason. He is also willing to help others learn how to stay calm under any circumstances, again, not by escaping or coping, but by overcoming the stress.
Pressure and stress often reveal a person’s self-motivation. He may stay calm by avoiding stressful situations. He copes through escaping. However, when faced with pressure and stress he cannot avoid, he comes apart at the seams ~ at least internally. He experiences inner turmoil and stress. He experiences ever increasing anxiety. He becomes excitable ~ because his reason points out to him, quite properly, that he cannot handle the situation. But his desires command him to continue. This conflict between feelings and reason, unless resolved truthfully, may result in turning to drugs, including alcohol, for escape.
A person who has decided to focus on what he can do for others, regardless of cost to self, finds himself rarely provoked or angry. This results from the individual’s concentration on helping others and his lack of focus on injury to self. Most provocation occurs when there is interference with one’s self-interest. One living for others is concerned about injuries and injustice affecting others, not himself. If someone injures him or attempts to injure him, he has already learned how to help the party that is attempting the injury. This leaves him calm and able to examine the circumstances rationally. Then he responds properly rather than reacting in anger.
One who is living to gratify his own desires is provoked when he perceives himself threatened with an injury, physically or otherwise. This may occur whether or not there is an actual threat. One’s desires cloud his perception. When one is living by his feelings, a perceived threat, making him feel bad, may cause him to react without thinking. This is not to say that many people have not trained themselves to stifle their reactions to provocation because of their desire to appear unruffled; however, even these people, when they have a clear indication that they are not “getting their way,” react in anger internally, even if there are no external signs. The threatened injury interrupts their pursuit of self gratification and this triggers the feelings necessary for the angry reaction.
One living for the good of others displays a very important attribute: he has the ability to rejoice in adverse circumstances. He realizes that his own adversity better prepares him to help others when they encounter adversity. He is able to visualize the benefits to others of his learning how to overcome adversity. His adversity improves his ability to meet the true needs of others. Also, through adversity, he realizes that nothing can interfere with his chosen life goal of living for others. This knowledge increases his courage to stand for what is right regardless of the adversity he faces.
The person who is living for self murmurs and complains whenever his goal of self-gratification is interrupted. He complains about anyone or anything appearing to interfere with what he wants to do. He complains about his family, his job, or the government for not helping him achieve his own self-interest. Of course, he may never feel like doing anything but complain unless something really angers him. He then only persists in his actions until the anger subsides. When this happens, he attempts to conjure up feelings of anger to continue his action. Upon failing to do this, he goes back to complaining and murmuring.
Encouragement of right decisions by others is another characteristic of the person who has decided to live for the benefit of others. He encourages good and just decisions within his family and community. He helps those in authority to make sound and just decisions. He sets an example of making correct decisions regardless of the personal cost. He stands against self-interest and self-gratification with reason and evidence for his position. He seeks to teach others how to reason and examine evidence in order to make proper decisions. With gentleness, he exposes the destructiveness caused by decisions made on impulse, emotion, or feelings. He does right regardless of the odds he faces.
On the other hand, the person who has decided to live for self, by his very example, promotes self-gratification. He may even discourage good and right living, thinking that if he can prevent others from living with set standards, he can excuse his own life style. He is actually only interested in promoting himself. He plays on people’s feelings and emotions rather than reasoning with them. This discourages reasoning through any issue. In his attempt to promote his own interests, he may demean others who are standing for what is verifiably correct. He may even scoff at those who live by well-reasoned convictions. He could use sensationalism rather than facts to make his point. If his self-gratification is perceived as threatened, he actively opposes the truth.
One who lives for others has an uplifting attitude. He has a refreshing sense of humor. For most people he is a joy to be around for he refuses to malign anyone. He looks for opportunities to encourage and commend right decisions while explaining rather than condemning the consequences of wrong decisions. He realizes that wrong decisions bring their own condemnation.
Those who have chosen to live for self, unless restrained by another desire, often have a bitter and sarcastic sense of humor. They continue to put others down to maintain their illusion of an exalted position that self-gratification demands. They delight in the calamities of others, even to the point of thinking injuries to others are humorous. They may be exciting to be around, but their excitement interferes with reason and is usually at the expense of someone else.
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